User blog:Slapson/Joke Character Sheet: Billy Mays

Billy-Mays1.jpg:
William Darrell "Billy" Mays

Alias:
God, THE MAN WHO SPEAKS IN ALL CAPS, The reason we all called now,

Powers And Abilities:
Selling Anything, Everything, and Nothing, knowing very well you will buy everything he sells until you're too poor to pay him. You will be warned of his prescence when you hear his booming voice and signature quote. But it's too late, as he is Billy Mays, the all powerful being that binds the multiverses together.

Background:
Hi, Billy Mays here for the origin of Billy Mays!

Do you want to know where, why or how Billy Mays was created?

Then I've got the solution for you!

It's called Wikipedia!

Quotes:
"Hi! Billy Mays here!"

''"Wheather it's this shit, that shit, any shit, h'eavy or light, big or small, Billy Mays will take your shit and sell it all!  Billy Mays can sell ice in a snow storm! Billy Mays can sell shit in a sewer! So hold your dick steady, and get your credit card ready, because here I go!"

"Hi, Billy Mays here'' for OxiClean, the stain specialist, powered by the air you breathe, activated by the water that you and I drink. It’s Mother Nature-approved and it’s safe on your colored fabrics. Use it on carpets. OxiClean seeks out organic stains, pet stains, food stains. it gets down into the matting, into the padding. It even takes red wine and grape juice out of white carpeting. It cleans, it brightens, it eliminates odors all at the same time. Don’t just get it clean, get it OxiClean. Make a paste. Make it 10 times as powerful! The longer you let it set, the easier it is. It will whiten your grout and get rid of your toughest stains. Sometimes soaking is the solution. If you use bleach, you’ll ruin your clothes! OxiClean won’t hurt the material -- even lace! It has the power of bleach without the damaging side effects of chlorine. When your laundry detergent just isn’t enough, super charge it with OxiClean. One scoop in every load of laundry, it will make your whites whiter. It will make your brights brighter. As a stain remover, it’s the best! Grass stains, clay stains. Long live your laundry! OxiClean, the stain specialist. We sold millions of our two-and-half-pound tubs for $40. But if you call now, we’ll cut the price in half, only $19.95. You’ll also receive the Squirt Bottle and the Super Shammy absolutely free. If you call during this show, you’ll receive a bottle of our world-famous Orange Clean made with pure orange oil. It cuts through the grease and the grime whether it’s baked on in the oven or caked on the stove. You get all this for just $19.95. But call in the next 20 minutes, and we’ll super size your OxiClean from a two-and-a-half pound tub to a whopping six-pound bucket! Nearly triple the amount, but you got to call now! Here’s how to order."''